Liquid Diet

Well, I've been trying to follow this liquid diet I have to be on the week before surgery and it's been tough. I had a gross protein drink that made me feel so sick so I ended up having nothing but water for 3 days straight. Well, I ended up feeling so weak at work and dizzy and cranky! The good news is that since last week I have now lost 15 lbs! I finally got some good protein drinks from a couple of new friends I met first through OH (obesityhelp.com) and then I met them in person at the Windsor Weight Loss Surgery Support Group. The protein they gave me tasted really good so I feel much better.

I have a confession however and I want to share it for a reason. Even though I got those protein drinks today and felt better, the 3 days of just water had gotten to me I guess. I cheated and went to Burger King at 1am. I didn't want anyone to catch me eating but I just had that "craving" that I couldn't ignore! I am telling you this because I know some of you have people in your lives (like I do) that will say you can do it on your own. They will say you don 't need the surgery, just stop eating junk!

This is my message to all of you who think I can lose the weight on my own. Being obese is not a social issue as much as it is a disease. We tell alcoholics to go to rehab and we know it is a disease, that they can never touch another drink or they will once again be victims. Being obese is not just a disease, it is so varied in what causes it for each person yet we all feel the same outcomes. We might eat to protect ourselves from the world in larger bodies, we eat for comfort, we eat because the taste of food going down our throats is the best feeling in the world that no drug could even begin to come close to. There are many reason why a person becomes obese, predisposition to obesity (it's just in the genes!), stress, low self-esteem, depression....the list could go on and on and on! Sure we can go on a diet, lose some or most or all of the weight we need to. I can guarantee though that the obese person who loses it through dieting and even exercise will 99% of the time gain it back. Something will trigger it and the addiction is too strong to resist. Food is a basic necessity for life as we all know. An obese person can hide behind that whereas a smoker, drug addict, alcoholic cannot say that they will die without having what they crave. Food on the other hand is something humans need to survive. It's easy then to not give it a second thought or feel as guilty. We also though will not only eat guilt-free in front of everyone but we will later on turn into closet-eaters. Hiding when we eat and how much we eat, raiding the fridge in the middle of the night or getting late snacks at the store so nobody sees us to berate us or make us feel guilty.

So, sure I could diet. I just lost 15 lbs on this liquid diet in a week. My surgery is on Monday however (it's now friday). Without the surgery I can 100% guarantee that those 15 lbs would be back on me within a month, bringing along 5 extra lbs to boot! I've been through it all sooooooo many times over the years! Don't tell me I can do it on my own! I would have already damn it!! Do you think I want to cut my stomach open and rip most of it apart, leaving a little pouch? Do you think I enjoy pain or changing my life forever. The only life I knew since birth and then taking away my one comfort when I need it....to eat until I feel better?! I wish I could do it on my own so much. I wish food didn't have this hold on me!

Ok enough ranting lol. I cheated on this liquid diet but I am not beating myself up over it. One cheat will not kill me and I didn't even finish it, I gave half to my dog lol. I just needed to savor the taste of something good tonight. It was a stressful day at work and then my french bulldog was in respiratory distress and he is in the animal hospital overnight hooked up to IV's. He's ok but I am worried. A lot of things built up and food has always been my comfort.

Well, my surgery is in a few days. I got my prescriptions filled tonight and am basically ready for it now. So the countdown is now on!

PATs

Well this is it, the last stretch before my surgery. Yesterday I went to Henry Ford hospital over in Wyandotte, Michigan to get my PATs done (pre-admission tests). My mom took me over there and things went pretty smoothly on the way there. The border had a bit of a wait because for some reason they were checking all the vehicles for something. After that we found our way really easy and got to the hospital at about 9:45am. My appointment was for 10 and by the time we got in there it was 9:55am. They called me in and took some blood then did an EKG on me which took no time at all. I was told that the anesthesiologist had reviewed my chart the day before and did not need to see me so I was done. I was out of there at 10:10am lol.

So, we started home after that and I was thinking how easy everything has been so far, nothing has gone wrong. I'm thinking that is a good omen. I mean I prayed before I even committed to this that if it was the right thing to do that everything would go smoothly, quickly and easily. So far it has!

Anyways, we got on the freeway and were driving...and driving...and driving.....and suddenly we realized nothing looked familiar and we had been driving too long. Suddenly we see a sign...."Welcome to Ohio"!!!!!! Yikes, don't ask me how we did it but we ended up in Ohio lmao! I think we were in Toledo or something. Well, we were cracking up and panicking about how to get home. So, I turn on my dad's GPS and it tells me only the streets I am on, not which way to go. I finally get it programmed right but it told me to get off the freeway so I told my mom that but it didn't feel right. We were on telegraph road then, a longggg road lol. It was like a long country road and we started to look for a gas station. After what seemed like forever we found one, by then the stupid GPS battery had died lol. Anyways, we got back on I75 and made it back to the bridge. Yay! lol By that time we were laughing hysterically at everything lol.

So, now I just have to wait. One week of a full liquid diet and then my surgery is August 4th. The hospital will call me the friday before to tell me what time to be there and what time my surgery is at. I am still nervous but so excited at the same time. I already lost 7 lbs this week, from working my ass off at work lol, probably all sweat I lost but at the hospital they weighed me in at 302lbs I believe and I'm sure I will lose more this week with work and the liquid diet I am to be on.

I really can't wait to lose all this weight, to be the person I used to be, to be healthy again!!!!

The New Job

Well, this is going on day 3 of working at my new job since I finished training. Last night was crazy busy! We had hordes of ppl coming into McDonald's after the mall closed and the theatre let out. Thank goodness we had some help when a guy who works there but wasn't shifted on came back into the kitchen and helped us out a bit. We had just two of us back there and the store was hoppin!

I need to get myself some non-skid shoes. I slide all over in the grease lol. I wish too that the humidity would die down, it's brutal in the kitchen in this heat! My face is bright red from being so hot and by the time I get home I need to take a nice, long, cold bath to both cool down and get all the salt from sweating off me, yeah it's gross!

The worst part of this job is how much my feet hurt!! I thought it would be hard on my back since I have a bad back but no, it's my feet! By the time midnight rolls around and I can go home I can barely walk as I hobble out to my van. It hurts to even take the emergency brake off with my foot lol. Last night I came home, stripped down, took a cold bath and some pain killers then was in bed by 1am. I could NOT sleep though! The pain in my feet was horrible and I was laying there in agony as my feet throbbed. I got so desperate I tried something I knew would work but if you don't want to hear TMI stop reading now lol. I lay there wondering why the pain killers weren't working and willing my natural endorphins to kick in when I thought to myself how I know one natural way to release endorphins......sex! I contemplated it and then woke my boyfriend, Chris, up. He didn't mind (lol as if he would) and believe it or not......it worked! I was able to relax afterwards, pain free, and fall asleep lol!

I got up this morning and got on the scale. I don't know if it's from running my ass ragged or sweating my ass off but I lost 3 lbs overnight!! It's not a fun way to lose but at least I lost something lol.

Well, it is 12:30pm and I am sitting here with my feet up until I have to get ready for work. I dread going in and hope my feet are ok by then, at least they aren't as bad as last night!

Friday I go for my PATs at Henry Ford hospital in Wyandotte, Michigan. I think my parents are driving me, at first it didn't look like they would. I hope they do, driving across the border scares the crap outta me! Anyways, I am going to go relax some more lol, ciao!

Surgery Date Is Getting Closer!

This past week has been pretty busy. I have been training at my new job at McDonald's for one thing. It's gone pretty well but I am soooo tired by the time I come home and the heat this week doesn't help. Saturday (the 19th) was my daughter Tanya's Sweet 16th birthday so I had a lot of running around for that and spent a small fortune on it all. It went well I think. We had a pool party at my parents' house and I had to work so I showed up a bit late for it. It rained a bit but everyone still swam lol. I think everyone had fun.

This Friday I go for my PATs at Henry Ford hospital. I'm not too sure if I have to drive myself or if my parents are taking me. It's at 10am and my mom has to work, I'm just so afraid to drive by myself across the border! I don't think I have to ask for the night off work cuz it shouldn't take long there.

My nervousness has died down a bit and I more or less just want to get this over with. I think the fact that I was so busy learning the new job this week and getting things ready for Tanya's party it kept my mind off of things related to the surgery. I do notice that I am having a hard time staying on my feet at work the whole time, maybe this will be better after the surgery...I hope!

I hope things go well with this surgery. I can't have anything happen or go wrong. My kids need me and I want to be here for them. I love them more than anything and they are my whole life. I just want to be healthy so I can be here forever for them!

Little Breakdown Yesterday

Hey there, sorry I didn't post yesterday but I had a kind of lazy day and I also had a bit of a breakdown lol. Thank goodness for the friends I have made on OH (that's obesityhelp.com for those who don't know). Everyone is so great there!

Anyways, I woke up around 9am even though I didn't get to bed until like 5am, damned insomnia. My mom was calling so that woke me up. I saw that I had a message so I listened to my answering machine...omg the hospital had called at 7:30am! I got the number off the message and nervously dialed it. I got an answering machine so I left a message. Then I made another call and during that time Henry Ford hospital called again! I don't know why my call waiting didn't go off but they must have wondered "wth" because I had just called them and now didn't answer. I was just about to call back when they called me lol. The girl on the other end was about to go on break so she tried to call one more time, thank goodness!

The girl I spoke to was soooo nice! She got all my info and booked me in for the 25th, next friday for my PATs. In my excitement I did not think to ask what PAT stood for or what to expect lol. I was told to get valet parked and they would give me a voucher to get it for free. She told me to just bring myself. Nothing else needed. She had me talk to someone else too who I was told also had the surgery and if I had any questions I could ask her. I didn't really have any though but she was real nice too and booked me in for the 25th.

So, I get off the phone and it's all seeming so close and real now right? I let out a little "whoop!" then laughed, then burst into tears! Ummm ok wth?! I calmed myself down, then laughed again at the fact that I had cried then started to cry again, harder!! Ok, so now I am thinking "ok I've lost it, I am certifiable now!". I went onto OH and posted about how I was feeling. I am so thankful that there are people there who have gone through it and can validate how I feel! They all encouraged me and told me how normal it was to freak out like that lol. Phew! I had thought I was crazy lmao.

It just seems so real, so final now. This is the last hurdle I have to jump over to get to the finish line. I will be a winner by being a loser hehehe. I can't wait to lose weight but I am scared at the same time. I remember my back surgery and being scared but not this bad. I need to stay calm, focus, and especially remain calm going into the surgery!

Now I have to tell my new boss that I need next friday off, hope that goes well!

Bathing Beauty? I Think Not!

So far this summer I have gone swimming twice. I thought it was bad enough showing off my huge body in a bathing suit when we went to Mitchell's Bay. At least there I didn't know anyone, there were hardly any people there, and there were other overweight people in the water. I do kind of feel though that I was some kind of example to them all, as if they were saying "If she can wear a bathing suit looking like that then I can wear mine!"

The second time was yesterday. We took the kids to my parents' house swimming in their inground pool. I had to go in so I could stay with Kalli in the water and was nervous about wearing my bathing suit in the pool. In the past I have either worn a long t-shirt over it in the pool or I have worn shirt and shorts over it lol. I no longer have anything that even remotely covers any of my fat so for the first time since I think I was a teenager I went in the pool with just my bathing suit on. It's much harder to look like Shamu in front of family let me just tell you! I also thought that maybe now they will all see why I need the gastric bypass surgery lol.

The weird thing about all this is...I know how bad I look, how big....but in a year I will look so different that I don't mind showing off my fat now! How weird is that?? It's not that I want to show my fat to everyone it's just that I know now I won't always look like this. I am still ashamed but next year I will feel proud.

Today might be a different story though. I am starting the training for my new job and I am assuming they will have my new uniform. I hate uniforms, they never fit right. This one I was told runs small. I have a feeling that even though I told them my size that the pants just won't fit. I even went up a size just in case. I know I will be losing weight soon but in the meantime I am going to be humiliated telling my trainer or manager that the size 26 pants do not fit. Ugh, I dread starting this job just for that! No, actually not just for that reason...I am also worried that I won't be able to stand for that long. This weight, 300 lbs, is hard to carry and standing for any amount of time is almost impossible anymore. Well, we shall see how this goes...

Wish me luck!

Old Habits Die Hard

Well, tomorrow I start training for my new job. Since I will somewhat have a routine again I decided that now is the time to get myself back on track. I need to cut out the junk food and bad eating habits and slowly get myself into the new habits I will need to develop after the surgery. I figure if I start off slow it won't seem like such a shock. I am so used to eating fast food all the time and getting munchies from the store that I know it will be hard for at least a few days. Old habits die hard for me lol. I also know from doing this before that once I get over the initial cravings and withdrawals it is usually smooth sailing and won't seem so bad.

So, I am thinking that starting today I am going to try and eat my protein bars instead of reaching for junk food and I am going to carry a water bottle with me everywhere I go and sip, sip, sip! Right after the surgery I need to stay hydrated and need to get in a lot of water. This has always been hard for me. I can never drink a whole lot and water just does not seem too appealing sometimes. Right now with it being summer it's not too hard but I hardly need to drink in the winter. I do need to get used to it now.

I also want to start logging the food I eat. I know if I see it in writing I will feel much more guilty about eating what I do and I'll probably even be appalled once I realize just how much junk I consume. I need to get my head out of this "last supper" phase and be smart. I want to go into the surgery as healthy as possible!